The 2nd Coming...

So I had this orange tree.

It was a big, beautiful, potted tree that provided me with delicious oranges and it filled the house with the most amazing smell whenever it bloomed. I loved my tree.

Then I moved away and I had to temporarily leave a friend in charge of the tree. When I returned to retrieve my beloved I realized that I never left care instructions. The friend had left the tree outside, in the middle of winter, for several months. My once majestic bearer of fruit had withered to a leafless, dried up hulk of its former self. For all intense and purposes my friend had passed on to the big arboretum in the sky. I kept him around for several months, next to the biggest window in the house, close to a heat source, and gave him plenty of water, hoping for a miracle rebirth, but it never came.

Then one day, months after I had given up all hope, as I was getting ready to throw the corpse of my tree into the recycling bin, my mom spotted the tiniest little sprout of green coming from the under side of one of the branches. Elated I cleared away all the dead leaves and cobwebs, and trimmed the tree down to almost nothing. Since then he has grown like a weed.

So yeah...longest blog post about a house plant ever. Sorry. It's only been a few days and I'm bored already. And I seem to be putting off the last few things that I need to do to finish my last college class. Probably because I don't want college to be over.

I think I'm going to name him Jesus. Either that or Mickey Rourke.

Really? .....really??

This is the cover of the latest REI catalog.

And this is a close up of the bush behind this lovely family's tent. Does anyone else see anything wrong with this bush? Hey REI, I need a job, and I bet I can cut out bushes better than your current bush-cutter-outer guy.

Make-a-thing-a-day #36

File this one under "missed opportunity."

I saw this girl on the bus today and fell in love instantly. She was a tall, slender, freckled, pierced, strawberry blonde with a purple streak in her hair and an over-sized paper mache tooth in her hands. Basically the beautiful nerd of my dreams. It only occurred to me later that her profile had eerie similarities to a couple of my drawings: tall, slender, very large smile, carrying a giant tooth (see make-a-thing-a-day #1 & #26).

Very Weird. I should have broken out my sketch book and shown her. That would have been a good ice breaker. But hindsight is always 20/20.

IKEA sucks

I had never been, so yesterday I went.

That places is evil. The whole time I kept looking at things and thinking to myself, "f*** me that's cool.....how do I not already own one of those? And what's this? It's only $9.99?! I would be a fool to not buy it!" Then I would carry that object around the store for a while until I realized that I really DON'T need a stainless steel wall-mounted wine rack. I mean when have I ever let a bottle of wine sit around long enough that storage was even a consideration? But then again, maybe if I had a sweet stainless steel rack to put it in I would be more inclined to have more than one bottle in the house at a time? God damn though, that thing was classy as f***.
I ended up leaving it in the check out line.

There were several other things that thought I needed but eventually came to my senses on (like a 11 quart stock pot...might still get that one, again only $9.99). But I did fail on several items. I ended up leaving the store with a new work lamp for my desk (which was what I was originally there for) and a sweet molded plastic, lime green office chair (only $19.99!). I'm such a terribly compulsive shopper.

I'm thinking about going back tomorrow and getting that stock pot and some meatballs. Fucking IKEA. Here I am broke as hell, living mostly off of Top Ramen and instant hot chocolate, and you have to come in and convince me that my home furnishings aren't nearly Swedish enough.

You Will Be Missed Mr. Harvey

I didn't make anything today. Its 10 pm now and I'm deep into a bottle of Merlot. So instead of drawing something I would like to pay tribute to Paul Harvey. Mr. Harvey passed away today at the age of 90. The man was in radio news for more than 70 years. Few people devote themselves to their craft like Harvey did.

Paul, If there is a newsman heaven, give Peter Jennings a fist bump for me.

...now who is going to give us "the rest of the story?"

I Just Met God on the Bus

I just had one of the most bizarre bus riding experiences of my life.

I get on at my usual downtown stop, and at the next stop these two cats get on and sit down at the back of the bus, by me. The second their butts hit the seats one of them starts talking to me with such a thick Irish accent that I can barely understand what he's saying. And being the consummate American gentleman that I am I smile and listen politely. But the conversation quickly goes from "how's your night going?" and "good night for a Guiness" to "28 days in a lunar cycle, which is roughly equivalent to a woman's menstrual cycle, so the Catholic church is hiding the fact that woman are the original beings of the universe, etc, etc....etc."

The entire 45 minute bus ride these very excitable characters talked nonstop about numerology and photons, and epochs, and original beings, and spiritual quadrants of the universe and so on. And normally I would just chalk an experience like this up to schizophrenia, or drug abuse, or general weakmindedness, but these two guys were incredibly intelligent. I mean really, really smart - I don't even know the definitions of half the words that were crashing out of their mouths at 90 mph. So basically I was sitting next to two drunk, schizophrenic mathemeticians who were super excited about being alive. At one point the older guy basically claimed to be some kind of god, or maybe even THE God, I was a little unclear about that. They almost had me convinced that they might be some sort supreme beings too, but then it occurred to me that their Irish accents had completely evaporated. And why would gods lie about being Irish?

Crazy fuckers almost had me sold on their numbers cult. Almost.

I really wish I would have had a tape recorder with me.

Happy New Year!

So long 2008. Here's to an optimistic 2009...

Merry Christmas! Also, Here is a Malfunctioning Dog.

Sometimes People Disgust me.

So I'm in 7-Eleven tonight getting some milk to go with my Thanksgiving Cheerios and this beast of a woman walks in double fisting a Big Gulp cup. She has both of her giant mitts wrapped around this bucket of gluttony, tipped to her face, trying to coax out the ice that's stuck to the bottom. Completely oblivious to her surroundings she walks through the door, past the proprietor of the establishment, and straight back to the soft drink fountain for a refill. All the while I'm standing at the end of an aisle, milk in hand, in slacked-jawed amazement. This woman finally lowers the cup, notices me studying her feeding habits, and gives me this "what the f*** you looking at m***** f*****!!" look. Of course not wanting to antagonize the brute, I break eye contact and make a B-line to the counter. Back in my car I see the her walking up to the counter to make her purchase....which includes four DOUBLE GULPS! FOUR!!

I can only assume they are holiday treats for her ferial children.